Kennywood and Clerks II

I'm sure that those of you who were aware of this weekend's Clerks II release were expecting a blog from me. Just realize that you won't be getting a "normal" movie review. And I can't be held accountable for any spoilers that slip out, so if you really don't want to know the plot of the movie (and I'm sure most of you don't really give a shit), don't read past the Kennywood portion of the blog. And just in case you're wondering, this picture has nothing to do with the blog, it's just me and Daisy riding in my dad's Jeep last Sunday, and I like the picture.

Anyway, yesterday I went to my mom's work picnic at Kennywood. Those of you who have known me since high school are inevitably aware that I pretty much hate Kennywood. It rained for a good portion of the day, so, I spent most of the day sitting under the Traco pavillion with my parents, I played bingo, ate the catered buffet, and then it just so happened that Patrick was at Kennywood yesterday as well with his niece and nephew, and so I met up with them for a little while, and rode some of the loser rides that I actually ride (such as the Turtle and the Whip). Amongst these rides was "Garfield's Nightmare", which used to be the "Old Mill", a boat ride through the dark with occasional dioramas of skeletons doing strange things. It was extremely lame as the "Old Mill", and was never much good for anything other than yelling obscenities in the dark and hoping families behind you heard them, or getting busy with your boyfriend/girlfriend (something I never experienced as a teenager). However, if you thought the "Old Mill" was lame, take a ride on "Garfield's Nightmare." If you can find an adjective that goes about 100 degrees deeper than "extreme" and place it before lame, you would have the describing phrase for this ride. I won't go through all of the painful details, but I will tell you the highlights (they should really be lowlights, I'm afraid) of this ridiculous monument to obesity and capitalism. You put on these stupid ass 3D glasses, and then your boat enters the dark tunnel. Soon, bags of Doritos, Fritos, and cups of Pepsi are popping out at you alongside the tunnel. And I name the name brands because the images were really of the name brands. Pepsi has it's presence in Kennywood, and so we get these not so subliminal messages (in fact, we're just about attacked by them) before we even see Garfield. What follows are various lame 3D images of things that Garfield wouldn't like (a giant goldfish eating him, a pizza box with teeth, you get the picture). And, just as the ride is about to be over, there's a photo opportunity, so that you can purchase an awful picture of yourself and your friends after witnessing some of the stupidest shit you've ever seen. Fun. Needless to say I wasted 15 minutes or so of my life that I can never get back, and I blame Kennywood for that. But, Patrick's niece and nephew are fun, so it was okay. And I got Potato Patch fries and cotton candy. Now, on to what you've all been waiting for (ha ha ha).


When I was writing my undergraduate honors thesis (entitled "Blurring the Line: Male Homosocial Desire and Gender Construction in the Films of Kevin Smith" for those of you who don't recall), Kevin Smith announced that he was in the process of writing the script for a sequel to Clerks. And I think I may have cried, and these were not tears of joy. Very few sequels live up to the original, with the exception of The Empire Strikes Back, which, in my mind, disqualifies as a sequel because it is part of a trilogy. I really didn't want Smith to revisit Clerks because I love the original so much (it being my favorite of his films), and I didn't want him to taint my opinion of the Clerks world by mucking it up with all kinds of new shit. So, I had nearly a year and a half to grow used to the idea that Smith was going to do this no matter what I thought, as I have no direct influence whatsoever over his life and movie-making decisions (unfortunately). Needless to say, I really didn't follow the making of this film, and basically all I knew about it was its release date (when it was announced).

So, yesterday, I took myself to see Clerks II. I was going to find somebody to go with me, but decided at the last minute that I would really rather go by myself. I went in with low expectations, because I knew that way I wouldn't be as disappointed if it was really bad, and if it was really good, I would be even more happy. Let me give you a brief synopsis of the plot so that you know what the f I'm making reference to when I start getting into my complaints about the film. Basically, Dante arrives at the Quick Stop one morning to discover that it is burning down. Then we flash forward to the future to find that Dante and Randal now work at Mooby's, the fictional fast food chain first introduced in Dogma. When we enter Dante and Randal's fast food life, we learn that it is Dante's last day of work in New Jersey, and that the next day he and his fiance, Emma, are moving to Florida. No more backstory is needed.

Those of you who are familiar with my interest in Kevin Smith know that there are 2 major things I enjoy and focus on when I watch his films: dialogue and male-male friendships. I've been more concerned with the dialogue since Smith somehow forgot how to write in that same quick, snappy, witty style that I love so much when he made Jersey Girl. And I can't say that Clerks II had as much of that sort of dialogue as the original, but it was leaps and bounds better than Jersey Girl. My main complaint with Clerks II was the amount of screen time spent on Dante and Randal building relationships with the new characters rather than with each other. For me, Clerks was about Dante and Randal and their friendship. Yes, there were other characters, but the focus was mostly these two characters together. In Clerks II, there was just too much of Randal and Elias (Trevor Fehrman's naive, Jesus-freak/fanboy character), and Dante and Becky (Rosario Dawson), and not enough of Dante and Randal together, especially for the first part of the movie. I think the promotional poster I chose above kind of illustrates what I'm talking about, with Dante and Randal shoved off in the background and Dawson's character all large and in charge in the foreground. Anyway, in the climax and conclusion of the film, we get a ton of Dante and Randal, and many of the things that were implied about their relationship in Clerks (such as the love that they have for each other, and how much they care for each other) are vocalized. And I almost wish they had been left implied, probably because once they are vocalized it doesn't allow me to speculate any longer. Randal blatantly tells Dante, "You're my best friend, and I love you," which we knew all along. It didn't need to be said. That kind of sullies the beauty of Randal's character for me. Some would argue that this is just the sort of thing I have always seemed to wish would happen. And in some ways it is. But in other ways, I liked it better when Randal kept a little of that stereotypical masculinity. But, let me go all out with my queer criticism.

This is my biggest gripe with how Smith handles the relationships he develops in Clerks II:
(*SPOILER ALERT*)
Dante is supposed to marry Emma and move to Florida, but we get the hint that Dante and Becky have something going on almost right away. We soon learned that they had sex one evening after work several weeks before the events of the movie take place. As we see more interactions between Dante and Becky (which continue to take away from the Dante-Randal bonding time that I had wished for), we realize that they are in love with each other, and Dante finally comes out and says it. In this touching moment, Becky confides that she is pregnant with Dante's baby. (WOAH!!!!!!!) I have more of a point here than just rehashing the plot of the movie for you guys, I promise. NOW, even though Randal tells Dante that he wants him to stay in Jersey, and they make plans to re-open the Quick Stop, and work together having fun like they always had, Dante has a HETEROSEXUAL reason to stay in Jersey, the most heterosexual reason of all, in fact: He knocked a chick up. Oh, yeah, and he's also in love with said chick. But, this little tidbit, whether Smith meant for it to pan out this way or not, certainly implies that Dante is not gay. Now, I'm not saying that I assumed all along that Dante and Randal were actually going to become gay lovers or anything. I'm just saying that Dante staying in Jersey to re-open the Quick Stop with Randal is not justifiable without bringing a heterosexual love interest into the picture. Dante and Randal's friendship isn't important enough to keep Dante in Jersey, but some chick that he hasn't known nearly as long is. And, of course, I am pissed off. However, I must admit that the final shot of the movie, a pan out from Dante and Randal together behind the Quick Stop counter (just the two of them), does plant a final image of Dante and Randal's friendship, and could trick you into thinking that's what Smith meant the movie to be all about. And maybe that is what he meant it to be all about, but, he didn't succeed by throwing in all the other random bullshit.

Here's the deal, though. Dante and Randal end up in exactly the same place that they started. Best friends, working at the Quick Stop. They just had to go in a big old circle to realize that's where they belonged. And because of this factor, I deem Clerks II unnecessary. I really feel like Smith just wanted to make a return to something he knew worked, after the critical (and fan-based) failure of Jersey Girl. He wanted to go back to what he was good at. Part of it may have been nostalgia on his part; wanting to revisit the first characters he ever put on screen. Regardless, I want to mention that I did not HATE the film. There were some good moments, for sure. I just don't think he needed to make it. And with that, I will bid you all good night.

Victory is mine!

Some of you know what the title refers to. Some of you will never know. Just think of me looking smug at this very moment. If I had a picture of myself looking smug, I'd stick it in here (he he), but I'm not going to look for one right now.

So, most of you would agree that this blog should have been written much closer to when I actually got back from Tucson. Here's a warning for you from the get-go: this blog is a little personal, "what's going on in my life" type shit, so if you don't want to read any further, I understand. Anyway, seeing as I was an emotional wreck all week, I've just finally gotten around to writing it. "Why has Sven been an emotional wreck all week?" you ask, with raised eyebrows, and concern that I had a terrible time in the Grand Canyon State with my gentleman companion (Jason, if you prefer his name to my ridiculously elusive descriptions). Well, I'm here to reassure you that no, I did not have a terrible time. Quite the opposite, actually. It was fabulous. And those of you who I am in constant contact with (notably Heidi, Ang, Lindsey, and Jason) can attest to the fact that I had a great time, and that I have been an emotional wreck all week. I'd like to think that I am unique in the way that having a great time can make me emotionally distraught. I know this isn't true, however. But, let me just recount the long weekends events in brief, and you decide if you would have been sad to come back to your boring, lonely life:

• Friday night: Happy hour with a bunch of nerdy science people from Jason's department (don't let the negative connotations of the word "nerdy" turn you off here, folks, it was the smartest happy hour I've ever been to, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself).
• Saturday: Breakfast at IHOP (hooray for hippie pancakes!), Kartchner Caverns (which was fantastic, although we both could have done without the cheese-tastic musical thing at the end of the tour), a bit of swimming, La Pria Suissa (I probably spelled that wrong, but oh well), a drive out to the end of Speedway (only to be chased away by some weird hillbilly pickup truck), and The Wild at the cheap theater
• Sunday: Lay in bed most of the morning formulating the perfect pre-concert mix for the day's main event: THE POISON AND CINDERELLA CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!! And yeah. All we did other than lay around and figure out which songs to cut from the mix to get it down to two discs was go to Beyond Bread for lunch and take a nice little drive, then we got glammed up and went up to Phoenix to rock out! And yes, there is a another picture in which we look more hardcore and not so cute and adorable, but I liked the cute and adorable one.
• Monday: Bison Witches for lunch, followed by hanging around and watching TV for awhile, an unfruitful (as in, I didn't buy anything) trip to the mall, India Oven for dinner (mmmmm) and back to Jason's to watch This is Spinal Tap. It wasn't as eventful as the other days, but it was wonderful just the same.
• Tuesday morning: I spend my time getting ready and attempting not to have a nervous breakdown, an endeavor in which I was relatively successful. Of course, when we leave the house to head to the airport, I'm not quite as successful. 12:30 PM mountain standard time marked the end of my visit (that's when my stupid plane left).
• Disclaimer: Some events have been left out of this brief account for undisclosed reasons (if you know what I mean)

Of course, the plane trip was made mildly amusing by the boy sitting next to me (well, the middle seat was open, he had the aisle and I had the window). He was from Ellwood City (up near New Castle, if you're familiar with the area) and he had been visiting his Grandmother in Phoenix. He was mildly chatty, babbling about his early high school adventures and such. But for most of the flight he put his head down on his tray table and slept. Before we got off the plane, he said, "How old are you, anyway?" and I said, "23." And he was pretty amazed, responding with, "Wow, you don't look that old." Then I was like, 'Well, how old are YOU?" and he said "14." I was not surprised. I was hoping he'd say 25 or something so I could be like, "Wow, you look like a 5 year old." Maybe that's a little mean spirited. And maybe I should be happy he thought I was younger than I am, seeing as I haven't gotten carded when I've ordered alcohol in quite awhile, which has become a little depressing.

Needless to say, my entire week has been spent being upset that I'm not in Tucson with Jason. But I'm finally feeling better. After one last nervous breakdown Saturday morning, a visit to my awesome counselor, Joan, and an hour and a half chat with Jason yesterday afternoon, I can honestly say that I'm feeling almost back to normal. I even got up went to the grocery store with my mom, and washed the inside and outside of my car today. Now I'm doing laundry. And I plan to return to the gym this week, and get back into the swing of my boring, Pittsburgh life. But, I must say that I've honestly been pretty happy for awhile now. Not just over last weekend, but even before that. I've been feeling pretty good...and that's a good feeling (I feel a GREAT writer right now). Enough of this sappy shit, you're probably all ready to throw up. Let me just end with something totally random: I was looking through all the silly pictures I have on my computer, in search of one of myself pretending to be a glam-rocker at the age of 16 (or 17, could have been either), and I came across this collage of Nik Gaffron that I made quite awhile back. So, for those of you who know him, enjoy. For those of you who don't...eh, it's funny anyway.