Yeah, I know.

I know I haven't posted anything in approximately 5 months. Unfortunately for you guys, I'm not dead. I've just been busy (sometimes) and lazy (most of the time). I'm still busy, wasting my life away getting more education, I've just ceased to be lazy for tonight. The occasion is to bring to you a list of things that I currently cannot handle. Enjoy!

Things I Absolutely Cannot Handle:

• Married people. 'Nuff said.
  
• Men and their views on sex. Trust me, you don't want me to go into detail here. If you're a chick, you probably already understand.
  
• Assholes in Tucson who wear sweatshirts outside when it is still 90 degrees. It's not fucking cold. In fact, it's actually still pretty HOT.
  
• Guys who feel the need to grunt, groan, and pant while lifting weights at the gym as if they're having sex. Save it for the bedroom, shit head. I don't want to hear your primal noises while I'm trying to work out.
• This dude I saw today riding a bike with his disgust-o ass crack hanging out of his jeans. It was a treat, let me tell you.
  
• Girls who feel the need to be bitchy to other girls for absolutely no reason, gossip about every woman they know, or stab their "friends" in the back. Get over yourself, honey, and stop giving the female sex a bad name.
  
• And finally: Child actors named "Dakota". You all know of my hatred for Dakota Fanning. Well, now there's another one: Dakota Blue Richards. She's a stupid little British bitch, born in the same year as my nemesis, Fanning. This begs the question: WHY? Why do people name their awful little babies Dakota, and why do these stupid little bitches, at the age of 13, already have more money than I will ever make in my entire life? Enjoy their horrible little faces as I take my leave of you, with the promise to return sooner or later.

I thought Jerry Fallwell was dead...

And then I saw this:

Educators Criticize Creation Museum

A new $27 million museum that tells a biblical version of the Earth’s creation is drawing fire from science educators, who say the exhibits are scientifically inaccurate.

Here's the rest of the article: http://travel.msn.com/Guides/article.aspx?cp-documentid=395367&GT1=10142

And it's located just south of Cincinatti! But just in case you have a hankering to go a little further south, you can visit the Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, FL. Check it out, it's fantastic: http://www.holylandexperience.com/

Just when you thought I was finished....

After reading this excerpt in a resume that was in my inbox after lunch, I couldn't help but wonder, "Is Ruth's Chris Steak House a French restaurant where the common English term 'busser' becomes 'bussier' (with a silent 'r', of course)"? And, how did this person manage to turn the simple nouns "bread" and "water" into verbs?


28 Months
BUSSIER
Ruth's Chris Steak House, Pittsburgh, PA
Clear and set tables, bread and water new tables, make the guest happy.

Fantastic

So, I open up my homepage at work to go to Monster.com or something so I can find some people to call and actually do my job (imagine that shit), and I come across this headline:



‘Cocaine’ drink yanked from shelves nationwide



And, of course, I have to read the full story, because I'm like, "What the fuck?" I won't go into detail, but this is probably my favorite excerpt from the story:



“Of course, we intended for Cocaine energy drink to be a legal alternative the same way that celibacy is an alternative to premarital sex,” Ivey said. “It’s not the same thing and no one thinks it is. Our product doesn’t have any cocaine in it. No one thinks that it does. We think it is most likely legal in the United States to ship our product.”



If this intrigues you, I suggest you take a look at the entire article. Maybe you won't find this as amusing as I do, but there's just something hilarious about it. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18537394/wid/11915773?GT1=10008



I shall leave you with this image of awesomeness.

Observation

Toby Maguire looks particularly fuckable as Spiderman. That is all.

Just thought I would share.

Note to Self

Dear Ashley,

Working a job in which your success depends on the actions of others will do nothing but cause you heartache, frustration, and high blood pressure. Keep this in mind the next time you are offered a job and are faced with the decision of whether or not to take it.

Love,
Ashley

Displeasure

Because this just happened to me, I feel the need to express my displeasure with the occurance:

I do not appreciate my butt cheeks sticking together. If I am sitting flat-butted on a chair, I am exceptionally irritated when I lean to one side and I can distinctly feel my butt cheeks separate from each other. This phenomenon does not always happen, and I have not yet discovered the exact conditions under which it occurs. However, I know that I become severely displeased when it happens, as I am right now.

Consumed by Consumerism

I am quite annoyed by the fact that every time I feel down in the dumps about my life, I find myself wanting to buy something. What makes me think that my (unnecessary and stupid) worries about my life will be magically whisked away if I go out and blow money that I don't have on something that I don't need? For example: I was constantly buying stuff when I was in Arizona. I bought a new TV (though, the old one WAS pretty small compared to my living room), new underwear (I ordered from Vicki's online catalogue a couple of times during my two month AZ tenure), and, in a moment of VERY poor judgment, a cockatiel (that turned out to drive me absolutely crazy with his incessant screaming). None of this stuff made me feel better. In fact, the bird made me feel WORSE. Maybe if I had spent less time buying stuff and more time socializing, I wouldn't have been so fucking depressed. However, rather than take the blame for something which was clearly my fault, I'm going to blame the hegemonic systems of our culture (if you have no idea what this means, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hegemonic).

Visual media in general is the biggest culprit here. I am duped by images of people who are super-happy because they have [insert product here]. Unfortunately, this all happens subconsciously, which makes it all the more dangerous, because you don't realize it's happening. Your conscious thought process more than likely does not play out like this: "Oh, look at Ellen Pompeo on the New York and Co. posters plastered ALL over the store. She is wearing New York and Co. clothes, and she looks so happy with McDreamy (who is strangely on the posters although NY&Co. does not sell men's clothing). This means that if I buy the same clothes, I will become a prominent television star, and hook a sexy man, and live happily ever after!" This sounds ridiculous and, quite frankly, it is. Nonetheless, when I feel unhappy, I STILL want to buy shit! Maybe a new laptop will make me feel better...